It's lonely where you are...

It's been awhile since I've had an anonymous blog, but with my internet life and real life rapidly intersecting I felt the need to go down this road again. There are things I want to write about that I just can't anymore, no matter how much I try to tell myself that I write for me and nothing else should matter. It does. Because when it comes down to it I don't want everyone in my real life to have total access to my emotional, irrational ranting. I reserve that for the internet world. Where hopefully it won't, you know, affect my future or anything.

So, why am I here again? What brought me to once again create this kind of space for myself? I've been feeling this panic lately. I feel it in flashes throughout the day. Wondering what the hell I am doing with my life. Supposedly, yes, I am attending graduate school in the fall, but am I? Am I really? I started writing my statement a couple weeks ago and got exactly one paragraph into it when I ran into a brick wall. Since then I've been setting deadline after deadline and completely ignoring each one. By the end of this next week though, I promise.

I have all this crap to do (besides the application) and I can't seem to muster the energy to do anything. It's like I'm frozen within this entirely useless fear. I had this reoccurring dream (nightmare?) last night after going several months without having it. The dream is that it's the Friday before finals week and I'm taking four classes but I've only been attending two. In last night's version I was frantically flipping through a schedule of classes searching for the syllabus (why the syllabus would be in the schedule of classes, I don't know) so that I could get in touch with the professors and beg them to let me drop retroactively. I woke up feeling very frazzled and stressed out.

Clearly, I need to get my act together.