The shots in the dark from empty guns are never heard by anyone.
I feel myself slipping today. The one person I can't face being alone with is myself. And I hate that. Because I love myself, I do, but at the same time I really can't stand myself. Some days, like today, I can't stand being in my own skin.
The worst part of it is, I can't run from myself. Everywhere I go, there I am. I don't want things to be this way but I don't know how to change. This is part of the reason why I was so afraid to quit - without marijuana I have to face myself and all of my insecurities, doubts, fears, self-hatred. And I want to love myself, I really do. I want to be able to look in the mirror and honestly say that I accept the person staring back at me.
But then again who knows, this could just be withdrawal. I guess this is why people with a predisposition towards depression should avoid self-medicating. I need to keep telling myself, and this too shall pass.
posted by the girl at 9:13 PM
1 Comments:
Addiction is a funny thing. As you mentioned before, it lets you hide from yourself and from others. But, at the same time, it is so very selfish. I have a friend who is struggling against addiction and he said he has learned more about himself than ever before simply by not doing what he was so entrenched in. He realized one main thing: He was using his two addictions to feed self by ignoring self. He didn't have real substance so he created it with fake stuff.
And I can tell that you already know most, if not all, of this. But I know what my friend's going through, hating himself one day and loving his changes the next. Focus on the changes. Focus on the good bits of you that are coming from denying the addiction. And give yourself a bit of praise every time you realize that you're overcoming something huge.
Because you are an amazing person for even attempting this and all the self-hatred and doubt? Is just the addiction's way of trying to lure you back in.
You are, completely and without fail, the person God made you to be. Live up to this but give yourself permission to fail every so often as a human. Because we stumble and fall. And only through strength, will, faith, and hope can we get back up, brush off the clinging bits of doubt, and walk on with our heads held high.
You aren't wingless at all. You can fly with love of self moreso than with any addictive assistant.
There's a reason my blog site (which has moved here) is called Bumblebee Dreams: Those are dreams that people think aren't supposed to work, the ones that have huge dusty pieces of doubt clinging to them. Just as the bumblebee flies, so can the dreams we aspire to. I found out on my honeymoon that the bumblebee even flies in the frozen tundra, taking what little pollen he can from the cold flowers he happens upon. THAT is resilience. That is what we humans have more than anything: resilience and the ability to overcome and grow into more than what we thought possible. That is what you have on your side.
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