God don't make no junk.

Alright I admit it. I feel defeated. And tired. And lost.

I almost started bawling in the middle of Pastor's sermon this past Sunday because it was so me. I KNOW the Lord has a purpose for me but I feel so very far away from whatever it is.

He spoke about why he used to do drugs and alcohol. How he was trying to numb himself from the pain of constantly wanting acceptance but feeling as though it was always just out of reach. I know how that feels, but I'm not sure if I do what I do to numb myself. Maybe. Maybe "making it more bearable" is the same thing. But I never really feel numb, I just feel...like I have some perspective. I know it never solves anything though. I just end up wasting time and feeling more behind and more hopeless than ever.

What is it that I am so afraid to face? I'm really not sure. I guess I could blame it on my parents, but that has always felt like a cop-out to me. Like that is just too easy and too convenient. I think I was just born this way.