why you should never tell people you've quit

Addiction is a funny thing. It's only when I'm high that I become very clear about the fact that the only way I will ever quit is if I just...quit. Like, altogether.

The rest of the time, I'm sure that there's another way. I can "cut down." I can wean myself off. I can set a schedule. I can have more self-control. I can be more disciplined. I can this, I can that. I can...bullshit myself.

Today I realized something I've thought of many times before and yet conveniently seem to try to forget most of the time...I'm afraid to be alone with my sober thoughts. As strange as it may sound to most people, I feel so much more clear when I am high. Everything makes sense, or if it doesn't I am more able to let it go. I guess, I'm self medicating, because honestly, I feel sane when I'm high. And that's why it's been so easy to be addicted to it...because I am functioning. I go to work every day and work a very difficult, stressful job ten hours a day and I pay my taxes and my bills on time and I attend family events and stay on top of my various responsibilities.

In fact, if it weren't that I really do feel addicted to smoking weed, I probably wouldn't even care to stop. But I hate that I do feel...so dependent on something outside of myself for my emotional and physical (because of the appetite problem) well-being. It's pathetic and it sucks.